Everybody goes through life differently, we are all identical and unalike at the same time, circumstances can be shared but experienced independently. As we take on challenges, everyone responds uniquely, it may be our background, style of upbringing, the era we grew up in or the influence around us etc.
Lessons from experiences that occur throughout our lives can be a lot of things: Educational, Emotional, Spiritual and more, but I wanted to focus on experiences that pushed us to change, either for the good or for the worse.
I have had quite a few changes in my life, positive experiences have helped me get better, negative ones that transformed me even more and negative experiences also have pushed me towards undesirable outcomes.
We are all familiar with life stories where negative experiences turned into positive outcomes, there are a lot of them, all too fleshed out and talked about, movies, books; written, may it be a true story or fiction: A poor struggling man ends up becoming rich and famous or an impoverished athlete who makes it in the big leagues. On the flipside positive outcomes turning into negative experiences are also on the same boat, stories such as lottery winners ending up being broke, born rich individuals turned drug addicts such and such. Negative experiences ending in negative outcomes may seem unworthy to tell but some of the more captivating stories I’ve read or seen are of this nature, let’s look.
Negative outcomes from Negative experiences
It might not be as good for a story, but compelling otherwise and it only takes “One Bad Day”
Although it’s on the extreme side of things, The Joker’s story is a good example where in a series of very unfortunate experiences throughout life may lead an individual towards psychological deterioration, that circumstances and events can have a profound impact on a person’s psyche, potentially leading them down a dark and destructive path. This idea suggests that the Joker is not inherently evil, but rather a product of his environment and the experiences, which pushed him over the edge and that even the most sane and ordinary individuals can be driven to madness or criminal behavior if they face extreme trauma, loss, or a series of catastrophic events. In the Joker’s case, it was implied that he was once a regular man who experienced a single devastating day that transformed him into the Joker, emphasizing the fragile line that separates sanity from madness.
Suffering, Good or Bad?
The Oxford dictionary states that Suffering is the state of undergoing pain, distress or hardship.
One might associate suffering as a negative experience for obvious reasons, suffering is never fun, it is painful and sometimes heartbreaking, but others would take this on as a fact of life and sometimes even look forward to it.
I remember a good friend of mine searching and wanting to go through suffering just for him to be able to go to the next level, I understand this reasoning, as I found myself going through yet another journey of suffering on my own.
I came across the book “Can’t hurt me” by David Goggins this book made me feel like a pussy just by reading it. Goggins relays the idea that suffering is a key factor for his transformation from an obese unhappy man into the toughest human being on Earth, his savage mindset is not only set in accepting pain and discomfort but also in seeking and craving suffering.
I may have two cents about this and allow me to explain, as I learned how to cope with the grind, I thought that a monumental struggle has always something great in store for us. I always associated hardship with something worth doing and that suffering is good for us, this may be true but it blinded me deeply to a point where I try and find myself to suffer just so I can live my life normally so to speak, it was more stressful for me to live when things are going easy, than having to struggle daily. It’s preposterous I must admit.
I listen to a lot of Jocko and David Goggins stuff, the life they lead is of a hard, rough and rugged approach, my Mentor Leo is the same way, for some reason that is more appealing to me, the fact that I squeezed the towel dry every single day and collapsed every night gave me a sense of joy even though I know it may have been destructive. Sometimes I don’t feel alive when things are just going merry, I do not know why but I believe that this is probably not as healthy, I am still finding ways to overcome it, but I guess this is just what I needed right now, or maybe I am learning a great lesson realizing and writing about this. I am still struggling to look at the brighter side of things, I have lived a very strenuous life, it may be because of how I grew up and the influence I have had as a kid, but also, I chose the way I lived. It’s a stressor that I should undertake, but what happens when I conquer it, will I ever rest, will I ever find peace or will I just try and look for more problems for myself to solve. One day I’ll find out.
“If a man can feel, before the bar of his own integrity, that he has used his powers to the best possible purpose, that he has won in the conflict by using honest methods and honest toil, there is no greater happiness for him this side the grave. His life may be strangely barren of great results. He may have always been a hard-working, mediocre man; yet, if he dies with this consciousness of well-being and well-doing, his life is a success. But if, on the other hand, there be a consciousness of wasted opportunities; if the thought follows the man and will not leave him, that he has not done his best, no golden treasure, no wide-spread fame, no hours of ease or home of luxury can make that life successful”. -Brett & Kate Mckay
The Dangers of Seeking Pain and Suffering
Like all things there will always be an A side and a B side, seeking and craving suffering can be good for it makes us tough both in body and mind, it builds character and later unleashes our true potential, however there are also the dangers of this. The sadistic way of living can be destructive not only to you but also for the people around you, in addition to this, the fact that one craves it may reveal to us what really lies behind our desires. Here are some of them:
We believe that suffering improves character – The desire to improve oneself is a common goal, while may be admirable, it often involves emotional and personal distress, you think you could have done better, or you wish you were better, so you punish yourself for losing a match/competition or failing to improve be it your finances, profession or career.
Undergoing suffering by seeking it can seem like an efficient way to pay for our mistakes in life, since we hold ourselves accountable for the things we have done and no one else does, we show ourselves remorse and restore our personal sense to set ourselves straight and maintain that we are in fact not a shitty person rather someone who is still an unfinished product.
Narcissistic thoughts – thinking that suffering is something only you can handle, that suffering is something you are born to face and that it’s your unique burden to bear, that you will grow because of it. In this context, a person with narcissistic tendencies might view their suffering as exceptional and believe that they alone are equipped to handle it, considering their experiences and challenges as more significant or unique than those of others. This attitude can lead to a lack of empathy for the suffering of others and a self-centered perspective. We must healthily identify resilience compared to narcissistic thinking.
The Good that comes with Suffering
When we are in the right mental state and correct mindset in tackling negative experiences, we can eliminate the aspect of self-torture or punishment, we are not in it to purposely seek injuries or pain, rather it is about seeking and conquering the productive reward of adversity.
“There is no easy way, there is only hard work, late nights, early mornings, practice, rehearsal, repetition, study, sweat, blood, toil, frustration, and discipline.”- Jocko Willink
Resilience, by embracing the challenge to adapt and endure difficult circumstances and then later overcoming it will provide us great confidence and belief in ourselves.
Deeper Empathy, going through suffering develops deep empathy and willingness to support people who are facing adversity and or similar challenges.
Personal Growth, suffering helps us reflect on the most important things in our lives, we suffer because certain things makes us feel miserable, by going through it, we enable ourselves to fix these issues which then leads us to self – discovery, that we are capable of many things, that we can endure and persevere no matter how tough situations may be.
Motivation for Change, suffering can motivate and inspire us to address unresolved issues, set new goals, and take proactive steps to improve life and circumstances.
Finding Positive Outcomes from Negative Experiences
A friend of mine has had the most terrible heartbreak he ever experienced I shall spare the details but I watched this guy cry at work almost every day, it broke my heart seeing someone who used to be the goofiest person I know go through something like that, I’d like to think that I was there for him throughout that time. As dark as that was for a man like him, seeing him now, I am positive that he is an even happier more successful person than he ever was. The painful experience had taught him a lot, and saved him from the evils of his past relationships, by going through painful experiences we learn to experience extreme joy, by never experiencing pain and sorrow do we ever really know how real happiness feel like? In the absence of defeat do we ever really feel victorious? How can someone know the extent of real pain when all you ever experience is joy, when comfortable is all we’ll ever be, how do we learn to traverse discomfort.
“The secret of happiness is in knowing this: that we live by the law of expenditure. We find greatest joy, not in getting, but in expressing what we are. Nature does not give to those who will not spend; her gifts are loaned to those who will use them. Empty your lungs and breathe. Run, climb, work, and laugh; the more you give out, the more you shall receive. Be exhausted, and you shall be fed.
Men do not really live for honors or for pay; their gladness is not in the taking and holding, but in the doing, the striving, the building, the living. It is a higher joy to teach than to be taught. It is good to get justice, but better to do it; fun to have things, but more to make them. The happy man is he who lives the life of love, not for the honors it may bring, but for the life itself”.
– Raymond John Baughan, “The Joy of Doing”1946
XERGIUS 